Jasper Vs The Rubix Cube
by Burning 'Til There's Dark Blue
Summary: Jasper attempts to solve a Rubix Cube...it doesn't end well.


**Jasper Vs. The Rubix Cube**

**Disclaimer: **Nope, still don't own Twilight.

*~*~*

I stared down the colorful torture device, which was glaring evilly back at me. The torture device seemed so perfectly normal, just sitting on the desk next to the computer, perfectly still, menacingly. It watched me with that creepy plastic grin, waiting for me to explode. That stupid torture device had something against me, and I knew it.

I picked it up and tried to figure out how to solve it. The torture device, known to most as the immensely popular Rubix Cube, had been severely scrambled up. And something about this made me attempt to fix it. 5 hours later, I was still sitting there. The accursed Rubix Cube would not go back to normal.

"Jasper, did you solve the Rubix Cube yet?" Alice suddenly shouted, breaking me out of my perfectly normal staring contest. I frowned, frustrated that she had interrupted my focus.

"Don't you think I would have said something if I did?" I shouted back, and then turned to stare at the perfectly still cube. I swear it had moved 2 millimeters. That cube has a mind of its own. And it hates me. I hate it more, though.

"So, Mr. Rubix Cube, you think you have defeated me, don't you?" I hissed, wishing that it would spontaneously combust and that the moron who invented it would drop dead from brain tapeworms. I picked up the stupid torture device and attempted to solve it.

20 Minutes Later

And continued attempting to solve it.

37 Minutes Later

And continued yet again to solve it.

3 Minutes Later

"WHY DOES THIS STUPID TORTURE DEVICE HATE ME?!" I jumped up screaming, throwing the Rubix Cube as hard as I could at the desk. It didn't do anything aside from causing a huge dent in the mahogany. "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU, MR. RUBIX CUBE? ALL I DID WAS TRY TO FIX YOU!" I hate that Rubix Cube so much. It shall die. It is now on my hit list, along with Bill Clinton, Maria, and the guy at Wal-Mart who was staring at Alice.

"Jasper, I don't think the Rubix Cube hates you." Alice said from downstairs. Sure, that's what they all say. Stupid, conniving Rubix Cube.

"WELL, EXPLAIN WHY IT'S STARING AT ME THEN!" I shouted back. I could hear Alice's sigh.

"Walk away from the Rubix Cube." Renesmee suddenly interjected from wherever she was. I snarled and picked up the Rubix Cube. It would die soon.

"Okay, Mr. Rubix Cube, I have tried to settle this maturely, but you are being extremely difficult." I began frantically trying to solve the torture device once more.

In 2 minutes, all I had was one tiny little thing to do and it would be done.

"Almost got it…THERE!" I shouted, holding up the completed Rubix Cube. Finally, I have defeated the stupid torture device.

And then it broke into 26 separate pieces. I stood there, holding the remains of the Rubix Cube, trying not to scream. Then the desk broke in half. Followed by the computer falling down. And of course the desk and computer making the floor start to split in half. Which, inevitably, led to the following.

The entire house collapsing into a giant poofy mushroom cloud of plaster. And the Rubix Cube still sat there, in pieces, innocently.

Everybody stared at me. I continued to glare at the Rubix Cube, at a loss for words. Something floated down and landed at my feet. The Rubix Cube instruction guide. What. The. Freak.

"Jasper, don't explode." Alice warned.

Too late.

"YOU DAMN RETARDED WHORE OF A TORTURE DEVICE! WHY MUST YOU GO AND BREAK MY HOUSE?! YOU ARE GONNA FREAKING DIE SOON! STUPID FAGGOT TOY! WHOEVER INVENTED THIS STUPID RUBIX CUBE IS A BITCH! WHY DO YOU HATE ME, RUBIX CUBE MORON? JUST GO MURDER THE PINECONES ALREADY!"

Alice sighed and Renesmee began laughing like a psychomaniac.

And the Rubix Cube CONTINUED TO NOT DO ANYTHING!

I hate Rubix Cubes.

*~*~*

**A/N: **Me: (eating popcorn) I'm so glad I videotaped this.

Jasper: What? You videotaped this?

Alice: No duh. Who else would be standing there with a video camera?

Jasper and Me: Emmett.

Alice: Good point.

Everyone: REVIEW!

Me: And vote for Adam Lambert as the next American Idol! (quietly) He shall be mine.

Jasper: Why are you so nervous right now?

Me: (sarcastically) Hmm. I wonder why. I'm only going to be in front of 500 people in a crowded high school auditorium singing an impossibly hard solo. That could _never _make a person nervous.

Jasper: Nice sarcasm.

Alice: You'll do fine. We'll throw tomatoes at you if you don't.

Me: Great.


End file.
